LOVE BUZZ - Boundaries vs. Building Walls

(Originally appeared in the December 27, 2011 edition of the Century City News)

By Anita De Francesco, MA

Relationship Specialist

Some of us know how to have healthy boundaries and others build walls or barriers.  Let’s face it we all need boundaries to protect ourselves but walls we don’t need. Walls build inner negativity and create armor and shut down the heart. But boundaries keep us sain and keep our personalities flowing. People build walls because they are afraid of being vulnerable; they are afraid of their own vulnerability. Personal boundaries are imaginary lines that surround and protect us from situations we may feel inhibited or threatened by.  Boundaries become walls when we haven’t learned how to have trust. They become walls because of the old experiences that enter the imagination.  We self sabotage ourselves when we have barriers and weak boundaries. Having trust requires opening up to the heart and letting go of the judgment. When we practice this and cultivate the actions within we can only attract those we trust. It’s a two way street, if you don’t trust someone chances are they are trying to take advantage of you because the human condition wants to have what it can’t. Resistance is a normal way of the mind but when there is more flow and trust and openness walls are removed and a new healthy resistance creates boundaries that are necessary.  Resistance is a healthy part of the character and needed for the push and pull of life. It gives us grounding and strength.

When it is challenging to trust a situation the walls can go up, but there is a way around this. Think about why you’re building a wall. Will you let this wall be a part of your foundation? Each and every experience is different from crossing the street to having a fear or a boundary and from sleeping with a new lover and allowing yourself to receive. In relationships personal boundaries sometimes are not respected and we must claim the space and moment that is ours because if we don’t people will walk on you and then one day you wake up and have a big wall. Walls are sometimes coping mechanisms according to what your childhood was like. Did you parents sway you away from certain friends because they didn’t like the new date you brought home. It happens all the time, parents don’t accept a lot of the things their teenagers are doing out there. But we must teach boundaries through the experiences that we have with them; not fear or hate because this is a wall. Half the world walks around with walls because of prejudice and bisexuality etc.  As we grow the walls get thicker and become weapons and this is one reason why people take to the gun.  Getting bullied in school and not being accepted builds walls that create body armor and defense which become a pattern to the body/mind character. This is where it begins and I know from experience. It is important to teach love, respect for all people even if they are the nerd of the situation or class.

 Boundaries like anything else in life have a concern and it is there to teach you to protect and take care of yourself.  Part of having boundaries is being assertive and telling others not to act in ways that are not acceptable to you. But you must come from a strong place in your source.  When we realize we have the right to protect and defend ourselves you then are saved. It is a duty to honor and respect yourself and your responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Respect needs to be commanded in this world or the dogs will walk on you. I have learned this from very young; it is something we fight for. It is important to speak aloud and be heard with what you’re feeling and experiencing.  Stating your feelings aloud so that you affirm that you have a right to feelings.  Be careful of yourself when setting boundaries and not abusing them as a way of manipulation.  Here are some tips on developing healthy boundaries:

1) First begin to clear your energy of the transference that we all have from past experiences. A good dose of breathing therapies can help you realize your potential

2) Having the awareness to know that your boundaries are not being respected. Sometimes we are so blocked with walls that it takes time to undo the layers for one to even realize that they are being destroyed and dumped on.

3) Have a good circle of friends that you can talk to. It is important to talk and express to friends your feelings, if you don’t that is an indication of an isolated wall. Yuk.

4) Learn how to say the big word NO.  It can be hard, but you must own it. Look in the mirror and repeat something like; I can have my power, it is ok. You can make up your own statements and roll with them in the inner psyche.

5) Let go of the denial; for example he/she just did it once and it won’t happen again. You must see things and take charge from the get go, because remember people will walk on you if you don’t fight for the freedom of love.  Yes we are teaching in this way and learning. But the barriers can get thick if you let them.

6) Stop talking negatively about others like he she is a jerk or I hate and so on; believe it or not this is your wall lashing out with hateful judgmental words.

7) Write down the things you deserve and want to change.

8) Stop blaming others and let go of the complaints. These are walls. Own up to your own mistakes.

9) Create an area in your home that is a space that you block off just for you. Let this be a tool to help you understand that you can have your own space and your personal boundaries can be respected. 

10) Teach a child love and show them how to set up a healthy boundary for a day so that they can see the difference of fear being instilled in them vs. a healthy boundary.

Do you feel stuck and in a rut, depressed or anxious or overall sluggish? I practice Reichian, Gestalt,  somatic movement, and counseling/bodywork   integrative therapies  which involves focused breathing to help stimulate the emotions thus re-patterning the nervous system.  I help you to focus on the negative voices and thoughts  that create the stress and to resolve those unwanted interruptions that get in the way of your life process. Those stiff armored muscles that block sensation and energy flow will eventually soften. 

The rage sitting in the muscles will unfold allowing more feelings of pleasure, more creativeness, freeing blocked energies and sexual dysfunction.  Modern society has forced the human character to live in unnatural ways holding back basic needs and instincts. This process of breathing deeply  sends messages to the brain which  is an effective way to release anger, to let go of baggage, and  to feel more alive and trusting  thus living in a higher self esteem. 

Anita De Francesco, M.A.
www.tantrawisdom.com
info@tantrawisdom.com
310-210-1464