(This article was published in the Century City News on April 17, 2012)
By Anita De Francesco, MA
Relationship Specialist
Are you a giver or a receiver? It is said that giving is a way to open to the higher power while receiving is a way to connect to the universe. When we receive we allow the positive flow of another’s gifts to circulate through our system. We give ourselves the permission to let someone in. I believe if we can’t receive then we lack a sense of worth, loss and possibly guilt. Some people would rather give because they don’t know how to receive . When we receive there is a warmth in the heart that begins to open up with joy; a warmth that surrounds the chest and heart areas with love and attention and a feeling of love that circulates through the rest of the body. Is this hard to receive? Receiving comes in many forms such as taking a compliment, or a material gift or a smile or even a touch. When we allow ourselves to receive there is a certain love that we show ourselves that no one else experiences but you. Receiving is a way of connecting and opening your heart to your own feelings. You may not like a gift that someone gives you but the question is how well do you receive it? Do you receive it with anger, disappointment, and frustration or with love even if they didn’t know what you needed or wanted. Did it ever occur to you that people are trying their best to please us in any way they can. When you go to a restaurant and you didn’t like the dessert that was homemade from this family owned restaurant; do you label it as being bad food or do you instead say to your heart, they tried their best to please me the customer and they did put effort into it and I should appreciate them for their love; they are doing their best. We forget to look at what other people have available to give from their hearts. We only give what we are able to and what we know. When we receive we teach ourselves and others the real meaning of love and in essence we get smarter and sharper.
Are you a terrible receiver and caught between the heart and the words thank you? Do you over give and forget you have boundaries? Giving and receiving are what connect us to the fundamental experiences of life and interdependence. When we give unconditionally we also long to receive deeply and liberally and to feel the meaning of being touched, nourished and transformed by others. It is others who help us transform into the next dimension of our being.
Let us take it a step further, are you a giver or receiver in the bedroom and do you have a hard time asking for what you want and deserve to receive? This practice of receiving begins in everyday life activities before it can even have affect in the bedroom. Receiving can be challenging as we live in a world of selfishness and when we receive with open heart it can sometimes look like selfishness. To remove the selfish and get away from the “take” requires intention and love. Good intention when giving helps people open to a different level that allows them to feel and appreciate. This can be contagious. If we are cold hearted and hateful then receiving can get lost and become taking. There are takers out there and we need to teach them to appreciate everything even the little things that they are given from others and the universe. The universe gives us so much everyday; and yet we don’t take notice. The old saying is better to give then to receive is not true. It is good to have a balance between the two. When we allow ourselves to receive our levels of dopamine rise which is the hormone of feeling good. Receive with confidence and courage. Anthropologist Marcel Mauss examined gift economics and concluded that there is no such thing as a free gift. He claimed that one has no right to refuse a gift, if so it shows a fear of having to reciprocate. So when you receive do you feel obligated to give back such as in holiday or birthday times? The old tit for tat theory. If you receive with open heart and confidence those false feelings of obligation will dissolve. We give to show love and affection and we should also receive with those same feelings. In China the practice of reciprocity is so profound that it is the basic rule of being a person. They believe in repaying ones gratitude with more than what they received. For example if they honor one arm they repay back in honoring ten arms. Every culture has its own way and values when it comes to giving and receiving. In China they also believe in refusing the gift over and over before finally receiving it. I guess working for it so to speak, climbing the ladder of karma and worth.
Sometimes receivers feel weaker and fear having to let down their ego in order to be humble and kind. Part of receiving is giving up control, resistance, armor and defense. Even when we give advice people reject that because of their frail egos may have to open to the heart of receiving. If we are not a good receiver we can lose respect from others in the sense that they may take advantage. Everyone deserves to receive in many ways which says I can and deserve to receive love.
Receiving is one of the most intimate gifts of life and if you miss this part of it you are not living. My advice is to accept what your partner is giving and find the connection. Receiving can heal your pain and is very empowering so I recommend faking it for a while until that heart opens and connects to the whole experience
Do you feel stuck and in a rut, depressed or anxious or overall sluggish? I practice Reichian, Gestalt, somatic movement, and counseling/bodywork integrative therapies which involves focused breathing to help stimulate the emotions thus re-patterning the nervous system. I help you to focus on the negative voices and thoughts that create the stress and to resolve those unwanted interruptions that get in the way of your life process. Those stiff armored muscles that block sensation and energy flow will eventually soften.
The rage sitting in the muscles will unfold allowing more feelings of pleasure, more creativeness, freeing blocked energies and sexual dysfunction. Modern society has forced the human character to live in unnatural ways holding back basic needs and instincts. This process of breathing deeply sends messages to the brain which is an effective way to release anger, to let go of baggage, and to feel more alive and trusting thus living in a higher self esteem.
Anita De Francesco, M.A.
www.tantrawisdom.com
info@tantrawisdom.com
310-210-1464
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