(This article originally appeared in the Feb 8th, 2011 edition of the Century City News)
By Anita De Francesco, MA
Relationship Specialist
So you’re looking for the love of your life and you want it to last forever! Now that you’re in this mess for the last year and you discover this relationship is going nowhere and nowhere soon for that matter. It is as if you exist for each other’s time here on earth. Wasting time as some may call it and others may call it growing in time. Well you know that is exactly what we are all doing but sometimes we like to carve out the differences and make each part of our life have meaning, a concern and purpose. Imagine we are all just zombies roaming the earth like a pack of animals and finding and identifying ourselves through the relationships we make.
So now you may have to end this relationship because it doesn’t meet your expectations. You are about to face pain, sorrow, regret, sadness and more. So what do you do now? End it and find someone else or take the time to understand your choices and patterns that you are webbed into. I have been in so many relationships and have grown and learned from every one of them. Some were just for fun and others had more meaning and others I wanted to keep forever. The number one thing to know before going into a relationship is that they do end. Love is a wandering willow, as easy as we get it that is how easy it can get lost. The idea with love is to keep it focused. To keep it focused you must be clear of your insecurities and go beyond all that to find the true meaning of yourself and then love will become more focused. Connecting with someone is to teach you about yourself so that when the right one comes along you are ready. I meet people who dated one or two people and got married and have no real social relationship or sex skills at all and need to be taught. With dating one should put a time on where, when and who you spend it with, because you don’t want to find yourself going past what your clock may be. In other words taking the time to choose the right person. Having the determination that you want to be with this partner then it could never fail. This takes commitment. Pain, sacrifices and disappointments are always going to be a part of love but we need to learn bravery of the heart.
Going a little deeper here with love and relationships; who says that they have to go anywhere. Enjoying each other for who you are and the time that you are given together is also a choice. It is now a time to let go of the expectations and enjoy the moments for what they are. Relationships teach us growth of the soul and spirit.
Love fails for many reasons but a big one is communication. Love dies because we haven’t yet learned how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness, illness and wounds. It fails because of weariness, struggle, and withering. Saying what you wanted to say but couldn’t and saying it from your full being rather than halfway. When you get into the relationship open your eyes and see if it is two or one sided. This is one of the first things to look for. Think about why and what attracted you to this person in the first place. If it was physical in nature then that is what you get and that is not a bad thing but rather an honest thing. But if you looked beyond the physical then there may be something there. You need to establish this territory and you need to be patient. Being patient can mean not rushing into the bedroom, taking the moments and breathing and spacing each other’s interactions. Relationships should involve looking after the interactions of each other about caring and sharing and about affection. There is a certain amount of satisfaction and gratification that go with all this. If you want to sustain and hold onto the relationship here are some tips:
• Take a relationship inventory every 4 weeks. This means assess what you have done and where you think it is going. Make a list of all the good and bad things you like so far.
• Imagine for a moment where you would be if you and this partner lasted and would you like that place. Now be honest with yourself here.
• Every 3 weeks take out the time with your partner for a night of communication about each other. Discuss things and find out where each other is.
• Notice any red flags. Even if you don’t want to see them then write them down on a piece of paper and put them in a drawer for later. Just writing them will help your emotions to acknowledge this later.
• Before going in know what it is that you want, and know how much time you have for this investment.
• Take dating steps and structure and strategize every relationship. There are the sex ones, the casual ones and then the ones to bring home to mom. But mostly honor and love each and every one of them for what they bring you today even if it is the booty call. The honoring and respecting everyone will bring you integrity and pureness and true love. Honor your sluts.
• Understand the misleading moments and arguing. Have the confidence to hail the moment.
• Carve out the time to learn your partner. Pick the date nights that are for fun and sex and then pick those other nights that are for learning more about each other’s mind and then when you get home make some written notes about what you learned
• Another cool thing to do is to share a journal together. For example when you go places you each write a page about how the evening went and you close the book and don’t read it until later. One of you will have to take the responsibility of holding and bringing the journal out on the meeting times. This writing together can teach you so much about yourself.
Isn’t that what it’s all about; the learning of the self. So then how could love fail, it could only get better.
Do you feel stuck and in a rut, depressed or anxious or overall sluggish? I practice Reichian, Gestalt, somatic movement, and counseling/bodywork integrative therapies which involves focused breathing to help stimulate the emotions thus re-patterning the nervous system. I help you to focus on the negative voices and thoughts that create the stress and to resolve those unwanted interruptions that get in the way of your life process. Those stiff armored muscles that block sensation and energy flow will eventually soften.
The rage sitting in the muscles will unfold allowing more feelings of pleasure, more creativeness, freeing blocked energies and sexual dysfunction. Modern society has forced the human character to live in unnatural ways holding back basic needs and instincts. This process of breathing deeply sends messages to the brain which is an effective way to release anger, to let go of baggage, and to feel more alive and trusting thus living in a higher self esteem.
Anita De Francesco, M.A.
www.tantrawisdom.com
info@tantrawisdom.com
310-210-1464
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